There's this theory online called the “19 Love Theory,” which states that the person you meet and fall in love with at 19 will change your life forever.
I first heard of it at 18 years old thinking nothing of it as I was already in a relationship at the time with someone I loved that would later end up cheating.
Already 19 years old after we had broken up, I found myself lost and heartbroken, seeking love in any shape or form in combination with unresolved childhood trauma, expressing itself in excessive substance abuse.
At that point in my life, I had no real ambition or drive to pursue post-secondary or get a real job, let alone better my living situation.
I had already moved out of my mom’s house. I was living in my then-best friend's parents' basement, and working for their small cleaning business.
Seeking good intentions to get me out of my depressive funk, my other best friend who had a car wanted to introduce me to someone she had met at a party.
Her optimism of hope for me and this person getting together would get the betterment of her by unknowingly putting that love theory to the test.
I won't sugarcoat it, I made several decisions at this time I knew were wrong and would put my life in jeopardy.
The guy she was driving in the passenger seat to pick me up was someone I had never heard of or seen before. I only heard his voice in the background of a phone call once.
“Oh you're hot, do you wanna do a bump?” He asked as soon as I got into my friend's car.
He was referring to a small amount of cocaine on the tip of a key, something I had only done once.
I wish I said no at that moment and we never saw each other again. Instead, with eyes from him and my best friend on me, I eagerly said yes.
The following hours were a haze of continuous bumps and becoming infatuated with this person that I knew had bad intentions for me, but I didn’t care.
There were dozens of red flags and things to run away from over several weeks until we became official.
Instead, I stayed and looked past them, which would be a recurring theme.
I would come to find out that he was addicted to drugs and he would sometimes steal from his sister's medication.
The beginnings of a new relationship always feel like a dream come true, especially when seeking a replacement for the previous significant other.
In an instant, things can go from bliss to horror, and entire perceptions of people can be changed in an instant.
To be loved, is to be seen, and I felt imperceptible.
Toxic relationships break you down like invisible parasites. Slowly impacting your mental health until life seems like nothing but negativity and twisted comfort. Comfort I mistook for love.
His presence made me feel smaller, with hands that were always too close, suffocating the space between us.
It's funny how one person can completely alter your self-perception and destroy you to the point that you convince yourself you're less than you are.
You start to forget who you are, you feel as though you don’t fit in with anyone in society.
You watch yourself in the third person like a movie you find disgusting and disturbing, but unable to look away from while you experience things you cannot change.
Despite this, your power or sense of self isn't something that can be taken away by any one action no matter how traumatic.
A quote from a movie called Bridesmaids kickstarted my brain to seek out change, “When you’ve hit rock bottom, there's only one way to go but up.”
It took a very close friend of mine to reveal to me dark secrets about how this was not only affecting me but also her. I knew something needed to change.
We broke up shortly after Easter of 2022. The spring flowers felt like a new beginning after a climactic ending.
I took advantage of this new beginning. I moved into a new house, I started a new high-paying job, I applied and got into school, and I fixed my relationship with my mom.
I know what I want in a new relationship now, and I know what I don't want.
In a way, with the lessons I learned, my toxic relationship changed my life for the better.
