How do you socialize with other people? Have you ever thought about it?
I have thought about how I interact with people ever since I can remember. The more I reflect upon my memories of how I socialize, the more I realize how concerning it is to me.
That is a question I have had in my mind since I can remember, and the more I reflect upon those memories, the more I realize how concerning it sounds.
I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD as an adult, and while there were signs of my neurodivergence as I was growing up, the poor understanding of both conditions at the time in my home country made it impossible to be diagnosed.
Growing up, people would describe me at best as quirky, but it was more often that they thought I was just weird, if not worse. I internalized those perceptions of me, and I vowed to make sure to do things properly.
I have vivid memories of being four years old and repeating in my mind “1) Say hi to everyone, 2) Remember to say please and thank you, 3) Don’t interrupt adults, 4) Don’t be too loud.”
I would often think and reflect on how those interactions went. I was happy when an interaction went well, but often, I was obsessed with studying the ones that didn’t end well.
It could be hours of me rewinding on a memory, doing my best to decipher what went wrong; was it because I spoke too much about wolves? Was I too loud? What should I have done instead?
I would often feel thrown into my own pity party. I used to cry easily when I was a kid, being frightened by loud sounds, which meant screaming could often upset me. People often thought I was manipulative, not understanding how upsetting it was for me.
Because I would need to study every moment that didn’t go well, need to reflect on previous information, read between the lines that often didn’t make sense to me, having girls who loved to throw double-meaning comments that flew over my head.
Yet, the biggest hurdle became me trying to articulate myself in response.
Often, my face would not emote or behave in the way I wanted. I grew up hearing people ask me why I looked upset, when in fact I was happy. Or, I would get angry, and people would make fun of the face I made, since I didn’t know how to look upset.
From my understanding, other people’s faces move, sound, and behave without a second thought.
And yet, I would often need to think about what tone of voice I needed to use, what to do with my face, and how to form a response properly, while also needing to focus on looking into the eyes of the other person and smiling, because otherwise people think I am upset.
Over the years, many of those things had become a habit, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn't have a cost. It feels like there are needles in my face when I smile; I feel myself getting more tired as I try to keep up with a conversation.
Socializing feels like survival, and I struggle to keep up between class, work, and daily life. People say you should be yourself, but what does that mean if it leads to misunderstanding?
Do you know how it hurts when your friends think you don’t like them because you don’t talk too much, or you don’t sound happy? To have people accuse you of lying about something because you don’t look into their eyes, despite that making it easier for you to understand what they say? To have people lecture you about being rude, because your flat tone sounds sarcastic?
For better or worse, I need to abide by these rules, because even if it is painful, it feels worse when people misunderstand you. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea every time they interact with me, just because my default can come across as distrusting, sarcastic, or uninterested.
Not so long ago, I was on the phone with my aunt. I was telling her how I am thankful my coworkers deal more with the customers than I do, while I occupy myself with paperwork and organization. She told me that despite that, she thought I was more social and chatty than when I was younger.
My response was simple: “I hope so. I spent over 20 years studying how to navigate social situations.” And told her a lot of what I have written here.
I will continue my journey into understanding my circumstances and who I am, while making sure others understand me despite how difficult it can feel sometimes.
