It was the second-worst moment of Justin Kovnjak's life. He had to tell his mother that he was moving out, but what followed would be more difficult. He was going to tell his religious mom that he was gay.
He sat outside his home in Toronto in 2022, brooding and thinking about how to bring any of this up to his devotedly Catholic mother. He waited hours for his mother to come outside. He had no idea how to approach her.
The original plan wasn't even to tell her about his sexuality, just that he was moving out.
After telling her about signing a lease for an apartment on Jarvis Street in Toronto, he thought, "I might as well rip the bandage off," and proceeded to tell her that he was gay.
His mother was upset, disappointed, and confused, but in the moment, it was mostly about moving. In her mind, he was abandoning her, not even considering her son's sexuality until days later.
None of his family knew anything about his plans.
Kovnjak, 25, fully realized he was gay at 18. It was something he knew would conflict with his home life and the church he often attended, Our Lady Help of Christians Church on Manning Avenue in Toronto.
Religion played a large role in his youth as his family, particularly his mother, who was dedicated to Catholicism and the Church, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Kovnjak tried keeping in touch with his mother after everything had happened, but he couldn't take the mental anguish she carried with her and didn't feel like he was truly accepted, so he cut contact with her.
"She was stuck in this echo chamber of social media with only people from the church," Kovnjak said.
A study conducted by Timothy W. Jones and Jennifer Power from La Trobe University and Tiffany M. Jones from Macquarie University in Australia in May 2022 shows that many LGBTQ+ people from a religious background feel there is damage done to their faith after coming out.
Kovnjak is one of them, as he has not had any desire to continue pursuing any kind of religion because of what happened.
Reverend Cheri Dinovo, 75, a public speaker and previous minister for the Trinity-St. Paul's United Church has been a very strong activist for the LGBTQ+ community in Canada. She believes that many passages in what she calls the "texts of terror" in the bible are often misread.
Trinity-St. Paul's United Church is an affirming congregation of the United Church of Canada, encouraging participation from the LGBTQ+ community, she says.
Dinovo's approach to religious parents who have disowned their child because of sexuality and gender is to first listen to them, as she says what they've heard from their faith is a misunderstanding of teachings or science. She provides her own teachings and recommends further research.
"I can't imagine, as a parent myself, the absolute heartbreak and sadness of losing your child because of societal pressure," Dinovo said. "How is it best for your child if you are no longer in their life?"
Dinovo is a strong advocate for acceptance and understanding, saying that it all must be done without judgment and that it's very important that we never judge anyone involved.
Conversion therapy was another topic Dinovo talked about, saying that it leads to horrible outcomes.
"It never works. What it does do is result in suicide and depression," Dinovo said. "I have seen parents grieving over the loss of their child's life because they thought they were helping them."
Bettsy Anderson, 73, a current member of Trinity-St. Paul's said the church reflects their acceptance of all who identify with the LGBTQ+ community, and that God does indeed love all, no matter what.
While Trinity-St. Paul's United Church are accepting of the LGBTQ+ community, but some will still insist on heteronormativity.
Noah Mengstu, a missionary for Restored Church Toronto, said that it is wrong for parents to disown their child for their sexuality and gender identity. But he also said the Bible is very clear that God designed man and woman to be together.
"People do wrong, and they try to justify using God's word," Mengstu said.
All religious talk and faith are something Kovnjak has moved on from.
Kovnjak has said that he still loves his mother, and that his mother still loves him, but would constantly send bible quotes through text and email, trying to convince him that it's wrong to be gay.
One of her emails included other people in the church, saying that being gay was sinful. After Kovnjak replied to it, being open about his sexuality, his mother flew into a rage as everyone at the church now knew that her son was gay.
"All the heavy-hitter gossipers were in that email, so I can only imagine the wildfire," Kovnjak said.
Kovnjak was religious in his youth, even wanting to be a priest, as he felt it was the best way to suppress his sexuality, but he began hating it in his early adulthood and now has an acceptance of it. He is not religious and has no desire to be anymore, but he has an appreciation for what accepting religious communities bring.
That being said, because of everything, he is still very sensitive to the subject as a whole.
"We can't take this book so seriously, and I can't take my life so seriously, cause that's just stupid," Kovnjak said.
