The attacks always start with a tightness in my chest. I don’t know if it is skipping or racing or both at the same time.
I suddenly feel like I can't inhale fully, and as if my body isn’t getting enough air.
The thoughts begin. What if there really is nothing after? That once we perish, there will eventually be no trace of us.
I never think about how I am going to die or picture the details, but rather the intensity of the fear of what things will be like when I do die. Once I reach this level of panic, it feels like I am about to die.
In this moment, it feels like my heart is being squeezed over and over. After this, my brain sees pure darkness.
And then it repeats until I can be distracted or pulled out of it by someone.
There is a medical term for this. Thanatophobia, the fear of death or death anxiety, is an intense, persistent fear of dying or the process of dying that can significantly impact a person's daily life.
Recently, I had a quick reconnect and falling out with someone I thought would be my best friend and sister for life.
We were friends for two years prior and had a massive falling out. A lot happened during that time, including the sudden death of someone close to both of us.
During our reunion, I experienced extremely impactful religious trauma, which was brought on by her. As someone who went to Catholic school, I consistently struggled with the idea that a person had to be wholly God-fearing or they would be eternally damned.
All of these notions contributed to the death anxiety I felt at the time. After reaching high school, I concluded that I am agnostic and don’t quite know what my beliefs are. I felt comfortable with this and accepted it.
But after those many years, the anxiety came back. The same forcefulness I felt within the Catholic school system was equally matched by the person I disconnected from.
I ask myself often, “If I am not consistently God-fearing, but am a good person, am I still eternally damned?”
Michelle Régnier is a registered social worker and psychotherapist at Toronto Psychology Clinic with a master's in social work from the University of Waterloo. In May, she is starting her PhD.
Her research will be focused on death and people’s needs at the end of their lives.
Régnier said a part of the brain, the amygdala, controls our fear response and can cause anxiety when triggered. It is the part of our brain that processes emotions.
“Your amygdala, its job is to keep you safe,” she says. “The thoughts that are triggered are also dependent on other things that are going on in your life.
“So if you look at religion, the central ideas to some religions, not all religions, are around: heaven or hell, fear around punishment, the afterlife, a person's worthiness. So if you're unworthy, then you go to hell.”
She said that because of our natural survival instincts, if a person ever feels at risk in their safe spaces, it is considered a trigger and can send them into panic.
“Religious trauma can challenge your sense of safety,” Régnier said. “If your sense of safety is challenged, your amygdala is going to immediately perk up and say, ‘Okay, you're in danger, we gotta move.”
This is something I still struggle with daily. But I am slowly regaining my old, comfortable self.
Talking about it has been my form of healing. Before I experienced this, I didn’t even know that such a phobia existed.
I’ve learned that this fear is something I experienced during my Catholic education.
I have learned to cherish the moments I have with the ones I love more than ever.
Coming to terms with my mortality so young is a very strange feeling, but I also feel like it makes me appreciate my life even more.
What makes life so terrifying is what also makes it so special.
It’s that it ends.
